On my previous blog post, I complained about badly wanting to go home. But I also said when I wake up the next morning, I'd probably be telling myself that "things are still okay and I should hang on until October because, hey, it'll be here before I even know it."
But this morning, there was no logical wake up moment because last night there was no sleep. Imagine lying in bed at 12 and 4 hours later, you're still there, wide awake. Tried counting sheep, counting months, counting every option I have -- but that usually never works anyway. It just wastes away precious minutes. San napunta ang oras? Nakahiga lang ako, and then, poof! 4 am na.
Somewhere between 12 and 4, I did the usual -- turned on the TV, tuned in to CNN, waiting for it to lull me to sleep. But nope. My CNN wasn't cooperating. If anything, the recent environmental tragedies - the Myanmar cyclone, the China earthquake - just made me more restless and paranoid.
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A week ago, I had a nightmare. I dreamt I was in a big old house with lots of room. And in each room was a different personal terror. In Room A, my 2 aunts were lying side-by-side. One of them has been sick for a long time and in my dream, this aunt looked very sallow and was reed thin. I came up to her and touched her arms, almost skeletal, and the skin I touched was papel de hapon thin, really delicate, with the translucent color of onion paper. She didn't say a word and I coudn't make out the usual kind expression on her face.
Two other rooms held 2 different terrors, both of which seem a bit silly now. One had a friend I was hoping would offer comfort (I just came from the scary room), but the friend laughed at me instead. The third room had one of my junior high learner matched up with this high level boy with a British accent. And I had no idea how/what to teach them. And all throughout the dream, as I ran from room to room, I was frantically searching for my Dad. I was so sure he was still alive. But I couldn't find him anywhere. Later on, I would find out he died but nobody told me.
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If something terrible should happen in Quezon City or Metro Manila, do I want to be here, away from everyone? Nope. I'd rather be buried alive, swallowed by the Earth, or drown with the rest of you rather than have the more "fortunate" option of escaping tragedy. Likewise, if something tragic should happen to this place, I don't want to be part of the body count.
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Last week, I almost snapped at a low level student. And it made feel really bad because she's really cute and usually sweet. In the past, even though it was kind of a challenge to teach her, I'd usually be up to the task. Maybe I was more impatient than usual that day. I think that day in class I was more attuned to my needs and wants at the moment than her then-present need to learn English. I suck.
I have this theory that for teachers to be able to teach well in class, they should completely not listen to themselves and instead, like a mother beast, listen, observe, and be fully attuned to what their students are saying and not saying.
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Lately, I've been feeling as if I'm just going through the motions beybeh. Sleepwalking through the weekdays, if you may. Sabi ni queerestofthequeer, she misses her self. Ako, I just miss my friends. I've been alone for too long now. A fortnight ago, I was chatting with Gwen, and out of the blue, we talked about colors. I complimented her recent photography work, saying the colors on her photos were as happy as an array of watercolor chips. And then she responded by saying how she thinks vibrant reds and greens just blend so well with the Antipolo sun. and then I remember how I used to have all these color talks with my artist friends. One of them, an architect/photographer, would tell me how the color blue attracts mosquitoes. And how does he know, you ask? Well, he knows because he observed it. "That's why you shouldn't wear blue if you're the type who always gets bitten by mosquitoes." I direly need these color talks.
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And yeah, part of the sadness is the feeling that I've mostly milked this experience for what it's worth already. domesticated? check. spent time with mom? check. (feeling ko nga nagsasawa na sya sakin. :p) End of this month, Manyel-in-Japan is turning 10 months. She has somehow fought off homesickness. Loneliness kicks in with the realization that there's nothing much to look forward to anymore.
(well, there is. pero parang malaking balakid ang work. :p)
